My Altar Cloth

When a woman makes an altar cloth, so far as she is able, she makes every flower as lovely as the graceful flowers of the field, as far as she is able, every star as sparkling as the glistening stars of the night. She withholds nothing, but uses the most precious things she possesses. She sells off every other claim upon her life that she may purchase the most uninterrupted and favorable time of the day and night for her one and only, for her beloved work. But when the cloth is finished and put to its sacred use: then she is deeply distressed if someone should make the mistake of looking at her art, instead of at the meaning of the cloth; or make the mistake of looking at a defect, instead of at the meaning of the cloth. For she could not work the sacred meaning into the cloth itself, nor could she sew it on the cloth as though it were one more ornament. This meaning really lies in the beholder and in the beholder’s understanding, if he, in the endless distance of the separation, above himself and above his own self, has completely forgotten the needlewoman and what was hers to do. It was allowable, it was proper, it was duty, it was a precious duty, it was the highest happiness of all for the needlewoman to do everything in order to accomplish what was hers to do; but it was a trespass against God, an insulting misunderstanding of the poor needle-woman, when someone looked wrongly and saw what was only there, not to attract attention to itself, but rather so that its omission would not distract by drawing attention to itself.


Kierkegaard's Purity of Heart Is To Will One Thing is my favorite book. I must be truthful and say that I appreciate all of his works. I'm not certain what exactly called my mind to this passage this evening [or rather early this morning], but I know why my thoughts recalled it: I am trying to make my altar cloth.

I have spent the last 8 hours or so working on my job application for IJM's summer internship. I am absolutely exhausted, but am ready and willing to accept that my sleep will be minimal until Christmas comes. In all honesty, I have never slept here as I could sleep at home. [My father once said I'd learn that home wasn't a real place, and you could never go home again, but I disagree.]

Either way, I have been beating myself senseless to get my resume perfect, my cover letter praiseworthy, and my writing samples impressive beyond doubt. Then came the part that was most difficult: my statement of faith.

I'm still working on it of course, and exhausting is teeming over my weary eyelids. Somehow though, I am embolden to press on, because there is something more at stake here than how tired I am tomorrow morning. This is my altar cloth. I watched Chariots of Fire Today and the line that caught me was "God made me good. But he also made me fast. When I run I feel his pleasure."

I am ready and willing to recognize this post makes no cognitive sense, but I'm not sure that matters. After all, this is my talking to my father and the words don't always have to be lyrical for Him to hear me. When I'm on my knees I feel so powerful - the God of the universe is LISTENING to me, for as long as I would like. Oh the love in my heart...

That is what I pour into my quest: the love He shows to me, the blessings he has given me, the love that is overflowing in me. I pour it into this one thought, the unitary goal of being where I need to be to do what I need to do to BE whom He wishes me to be. If you cannot understand this, this quest, this goal of mine, look past the crooked stitching please. Please. Please hear their voices and please see the infinate depth of the Almighty's love for them behind my tears.

Please.

The Lord's Day

The Lord is so unbelievably faithful y'all. I just am amazed each and everyday not necessarily at what He can do, but what He chooses to do.

First, I see the Lord very clearly in my friends. Last night I was so tired and stressed and it didn't seem to me that my eye was getting any better. My best friend Andrew, well he seemed to know JUST what would make me feel better. It started out as our usual AIM chat, and then voice chat, and sharing music. Then, it evolved to him creating my very own radio station: D-MAN Radio! For quite some time, both to encourage me to keep studying and to make me feel less homesick, he broadcasted from Austin, Texas, right to my computer music and sound effects just for me! That was the coolest thing ever and I smiled. Goofy as some of his music choices might be, nothing says home to me like the randomness of my best friend.
Secondly, I woke up early this morning, just about half-an-hour ago [ok, late for me, but early enough still for most] and I actually feel rested. God has blessed my sleep and I don't feel tired. More importantly however, as I rolled out of bed to go put more medication in my eye, I stopped cold when I looked in the mirror. The redness in my eye, it's COMPLETELY GONE Y'ALL! Sure it hurts still, but I can open it now! The redness is all gone! The only red still there is the actual ulcer on my eye but who cares! I feel so much better! I got really excited, and went outside and sure enough, I can look toward the ocean and the sunlight doesn't hurt anymore! Ok, so it still hurts when the light is bright but I can notice a SUBSTANTIAL difference. I can go outside, I can drive, maybe. But again, I can see! Oh I'm so happy!

I once heard this Bill Cosby routine that one of the reasons we should not say God's name in vain, is because God is busy. True. So, every little now and then I have to ask myself the obvious question, how does my life have such cosmic significance, that God would help me? love me? comfort me? Answer? It doesn't. That, in my opinion, almost makes it better! God loves me not because I'm me, but because I'm His. It's so wonderful. The lilies look beautiful today, and so do I.

Thank-you Abba.

And now, Yahweh, I have some business to be about, and I believe it's yours.

Mystery Man

Well it is official; people crack me up.

As part of this blog, I write not only about my own personal business, but about the business of others when it intersects with mine. So, in the interests of personal privacy [and good, clean fun] I preserve the privacy of all those involved


There have been many questions about what Mystery Man's name is. The answer I continually give is "Mystery Man". This ladies and gentlemen is his name.


There have been many guesses about what other name or names he may go by, and all of them WRONG. Is it important? No, not really. At least, not to the point where any of you should be all that worried about it. Of course if it weren't THAT important, you're saying to yourself, she'd just tell us. Perhaps, perhaps. Or, perhaps I am just keeping private what isn't mine to tell.

Take Note:

1. If you look carefully, he's in MANY posts on this blog.
2. His clothing taste ought not be questioned.
3. You'll note, that he is the one who decided to be called this.
4. You'll see he makes apperances at most all our group activities but only in somewhat of a nonchalant manner.
5. He and my Jonathan are in fact NOT the same person. Jonathan, aka. Wonderboy, who has met my family, is NOT Mystery Man. Why would he be if he's already met you. Keep guessing, I'll entertain your guesses. :-)
6. He usually has very important things to do on weekends.
7. His real home is very far away.
8. He can easily illicit a laugh from the entire class.
9. He is heads above most everyone I know.

That Is All.

End Transmission. Secret Squirrel Out.


You may make your comments as you wish.

A Fluke That's Good For You

Well, I'm not usually the BIGGEST Destiny's Child fan, but this song is unbelievable. It made me cry last night during my devo time. Maybe it's the minor chords, who knows really? I can't really say anything else. Here it is.




Destiny's Child - Stand Up For Love
#1's
2005

[Beyonce]
There are times I find it hard to sleep at night
We are living through such troubled times
And every child that reaches out for someone to hold
For one moment they become my own

And how can I pretend that I don't know what's going on?
When every second, and every minute another soul is gone?
And I believe that in my life I will see(oh yea) an end to hopelessness, of giving up, of suffering

[Chorus:]
If we all stand together this one time
Then no one wil be left behind
Stand up for life
Stand up and hear me sing
Stand up for love

[Kelly]
I'm inspired and hopeful each and everyday
That's how I know that things are gonna change
So how can I pretend that I don't know what's going on?
When every second, with every minute another soul is gone?
And I believe that in my life I will see(I will see yeah)
An end to hopelessness(Hopelessness), of giving up(Giving Up), of suffering
(Suffering yah, yah)

[Chorus]
If we all stand together this one time(Time)
Then no one will get left behind
Stand up for life
Stand up for love

[Michelle]
And it all starts right here
And it starts right now
One person stands up and the rest will follow
For all the forgotten, for all the unloved
I'm gonna sing this song
And I believe that in my life I will see (yes, yes) an end to hopelessness, of giving up, of suffering

[Chorus]
If we all stand together this one time
Then no one will get left behind
Stand up for life
Stand up and sing yah
Stand up for love (for love, for love)

For I Am Not My Own

I was not in a good mood yesterday, and was busy writing about all the things that annoyed me. I must say, pride got the best of me last night. Sometime yesterday evening, I inscribed a whole lot of things on this blog that really have no business being there. As Mysetery Man later put it, upon recognizing that Rogue had advised me to "edit" my post, I wouldn't have very many friends left at home if I said things like that often [aka more than once] and that a good rule of thumb, is not to post when you're "sick". When I'm sick huh...

I edited my blog. Now, well now I would erase every word, but then how would I be learning my lesson? Let me explain.

Today was a rough day for me. I went to all of my classes in the morning, but my eye was hurting something awful. I thought, gee, pink eye hurts this much huh? I don't remember being this upset when I was eight and had pink eye...Oh well. And as it turns out, the reason I don't remember pink eye hurting this much when I was little is because pink eye DOESN'T hurt this much. See funny thing is, the opthamologist on Sunset Boulevard I saw today says what's funny is I don't have pink eye; I have a corneal ulcer. Darn it. I'll let you all google it if you must; but let's just say it's really painful and my vision is blurred now, and may be for a while. The medication is painful too...'nuff said.

I was still a little mad you know? I thought - CLEARLY this is not acceptable. How can I do my memo this way? I'm so mad. I came home, tried my medication, and MAN did it burn my eye! I still can barely see [six doeses later, at least] and the burning is still there. But I realized something reading my post from yesterday; my eye being hurt is not the sickness I need to watch out for.

Here's the thing: I am not a victim. The world is not out to get me: life is hard, period. Frankly, the fact that I cannot do my memo the way I would like to really shouldn't matter to me. Completely healthy or sick as a dog, I'm not the force behind my memo. God is. The way I see it; I'm not my own person. I'm a tool for God; I'm a kingdom servant about kingdom business. There is no other explanation for why I ended up here of all places than that God pretty much moved me to be here. I'm here to equip myself to do HIs bidding - specifically, to spread His justice. That having been said, I cannot boast in ANYTHING I've done. How smart I may be, my grades, my midterms, none of that stuff was me. That's God. Sure I work hard and study and avoid things that would prevent me from doing my best, but what I started with was all Him. I'll tell you what else is Him. He's the motivation behind doing that extra page and a half to be FULLY prepared. He has given me so much, how could I say I was too lazy to read just a few more pages? He's in the raw energy I get from nowhere. He's in the memorization of much more material than I could ever know alone. Mostly, he's in the voices I hear...the ones I often blog about: he's in their faces...the faces of starving and oppressed children waiting for an advocate. How could I ever look such a one as this in the face and say I cannot meet the demands of their legal needs because in law school I was busy goofing off? Or, better yet, I was busy being sick?

Maybe this isn't what Mystery Man meant [but I wouldn't put it past him to "mean" something more than what he "meant" ][for more on this, see The Phantom Tollbooth by Norman Juster], but I'll tell you that what he said now means to me I shouldn't post when I'm sin-sick. Somehow, I lost sight of the fact that I don't write my memos all by myself. Everything I do is by the Grace of God, and Lord willing that'll be with me all of my days.

This is almost an even BETTER chance to lean on God. We all jump for the moon - and even if some jump 8 feet and some jump 20, we all miss. But in real life sometimes it's easier to see God making up the difference when the differential is HUGE beyond all reason. I need to realize that just because I may be "bright" doesn't mean He's not there pickin' up the slack for me too: when I lean on Him.

So sure, my eye hurts REALLY badly. So sure, I can't see so well right now and sure the blurry vision is giving me a headache. But I'll tell you something; whether or not I can see doesn't change who's in my corner. I'll tell you something else I know with COMPLETE certainty: that today little kids suffered. Some of them starved, some of them were shot, some of them raped, some kidnapped, abused, and tortured. Some were forced to fight in an army they are terrified of, and some were slaughtered for the small diamond in the cross I wear under my clothes. And many many more will suffer every day. This IS even MORE certain than death and taxes because it is evil and hidden. It will not cease untill good people of faith stand up and say: "Hey, you over there! Yah you! WE CAN SEE YOU...and, what's more, WE CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND WE WILL NOT ALLOW THAT TO CONTINUE." Gary Haugen, IJM Founder once said: "The greatest enemy in our struggle to stop oppression and injustice is always the insidious etiquette of silence." I will not allow my eye to silence me. My grades matter because everything I do, I do for Him as part of the race set out before me. "Sorry Ugandan child soldier, lost and alone, I didn't get the job experience I needed because I didn't do my memo because my eye hurt. So now, now I am not in the position to help you. Sorry. Now look here son, I realize you were kidnapped and raped, had your leg cut off and tortured untill you fought in the army that eventually distroyed your own village. But YOU have to understand, I couldn't write with my eye like that!" NEWSFLASH...I can't do it ANYWAY. I could NEVER write my memo alone...cause alone I'd be exhausted and confused. In perspective nothing that happens to me matters. I won't let it stop me.


For I am not my own.


I hear you, and I'm coming.


For I am not my own.

Take My LIfe
ZOE Worship
Deep Calls To Deep

Lord take my life, make it your own.
Lord live through me for I am not my own.
Bought with a price, the blood of your son;
Nothing I've earned, but by your grace I come.

Lord take my heart, make it your throne.
Lord reign in me for I am not my own.
Lord reign in me, for I am not my own.

Annoyances

Blogs exist to express oneself right? I mean if they don't exist for that, I'm not really sure what they exist for.


There, I hope you read that statement because from now on I will be refering to that as my "disclaimer".


I am absolutely NOT in a good mood today. Maybe I should spend less time studying [yah right, that's the answer!] or maybe I should sleep more or maybe I should spend more tiime with my family or maybe I should spend less time on the phone. Either way something is out of whack. Let's address each of these in order:


1. Have you ever felt like people around you need to get over themselves? Ok I'm sure we all have. There are people around here who are so stinking self-absorbed they think everything in life is all about them. If you say something to them, just in passing even, it means that there is a HUGE conspiracy to annoy them, or to hate them, or steal their cheetoes. I hate that. I hate that people ignore you until they want you to get something for them at the store or go somewhere for them or until they read your blog and think that it's about them when it's NOT. I swear, if everyone would just grow up life would be a whole lot easier. Of course I can say these things on my BLOG b/c I'm too terribly big on confrontation. I would never go up to someone and say: "You are ticking me off. I thought we could be friends but if you're gonna be such a witch all the time forget it. P.S. I'm smarter than you." Yah right. I wish. I have a hard time telling a waiter at a restaurant that he brought me the wrong sandwhich or that my Dr. Pepper somehow turned into Diet [yuck] Coke on the way over to my table. And although I can't say those things, there are DEFINATELY some people I'd like to tell to see themselves right on over to France...sheesh.

2. Why do things always go wrong when you need them to go right, more than at ANY OTHER TIME? For instance, this Sunday [in a few days and counting] my legal research and writing memo is due: it's my final grade in LRW and I kinda need for it NOT to suck. So, I spent all weekend doing my homework for each class for the rest of the week so that I could work onthe memo during the week. And what happens? I GO AND GET PINK EYE! Like I don't have enough problems, my eye has been swollen and burning for the whole week, and I thought it was just my contacts. I can't really see and it HURTS. I went to the doctor today, spent an HOUR there and have to go back tomorrow. Almost killed someone going to the store post-doctor b/c can't see...Mystery Man alleges negligence. I say, consideration. I mean come on, people are busy, who wants to take me to the store? I'm sure all my friends WOULD do it, but they don't have the time. I don't even have the time. Why should they? [And to top it all off, I was supposed to go shopping today to get toys for the toy drive and now I cannot BECAUSE I CAN'T SEE.] I should be further proofing my rough draft for my memo, but I've been asleep all day b/c of my eye and don't even get me started on the fact that in addition to a bad case of pink eye [now in BOTH eyes] I also have a CUT on my right eye and need an Optomitrist.

3. People suck. Sheesh. [For more on this, see #1 or the Bible or the Simpsons, season 3]

4. So boys. [This post has been edited at the request of many friends and at the behest of one "Choir Director".]


5. Being misunderstood sux. It's not that I intend to use this as a online DIARY or anything. Rather, I know that many of my friends read this. If you're not in law school and you're reading this just cut me some slack and leave me alone. Don't call me with frivilous questions. Don't have the nerve to call and say I never call you. Don't complain about how you never hear from me. You think I don't know that? Dont' you think that at least ONCE since I've been here I have though about you? The truth is I am homesick. I want to go home, and I miss my family, my friends, Texas, and my dog [sounds like a country song]. California is awful. Pepperdine is good though. But you know what? It doesn't matter if Pepperdine is the coolest place on Earth, or worse than being stuck in an episode of Saved By The Bell for life, becasue I'm here. If you cared about me AT ALL, you'd BACK OFF and want me to do well. This goes as well for people who are always pressuring me to be number one. Let me share a little secret with you: NO ONE that I am personally aware of HAS EVER gotten 100 in EVERY CLASS in law school. It is not going to happen Plus, I'm at a REALLY good law school here. You should be proud of me for being here - I am. I know what's riding on this: my scholarships, my education, loan money, my future, blah blah blah. THANX FOR REMINDING ME. I'm doing the best I can. While you're waiting to harass me why don't you look up the staz on the number of people who NEVER FINISH LAW SCHOOL?? I'm doing the best I can and really don't need anymore pressure. I live in an oven as it is. I would give anything to say all of this to some of the people in my life. But I won't. It's not all true, but it's how I feel. Not everyone actually says all of these things to me, but it's the impression they give. Some people DO say these things to me. One of my best friends called and said I never call him back and don't I love him anymore? I almost cried. There's nothing I can do about it...I signed up for this and I'm gonna take the bull by the horns. No room for ameteurs: this isn't mutton bustin' man...this is the Big Rodeo in the Sky...and I'm going for the best time...


Ok. have many many more things I could complain about, but I'll stop here. I don't mean to complain, but this is the best forum I have for working through my own thoughts. The people I love who read this need to realize that this is just a rough cut: my visceral reactions. Now it's true of course, that I can edit on here and I usually do, some things, I think, need to be expressed just as we feel them. So if you love me, forgive me and go on to another post. Man oh man I want to go home..

Rogue's Idea...So Blame Him...Whoever He Is

Well, I got this email today from Rogue and I though...hmm...this calls for a ridiculous internet push-button poll!!


From: Rogue@RougeNation.com
Subject: Super Idea
Date: November 17, 2005 4:26:43 PM PST
To: elizabeth.alvarez@pepperdine.edu

I just got this crazy idea that we should take an old Gregorian chant, and
put a whole bunch of Latin, legal phrases to it. We could use words such as
Actus reus, mens rea, res ipsa loquitur, prima fascia, ad hoc ergo prompter
hoc, and etc.

It will be even better if we then put together a choir and we find some
appropriate activity to sing it at.

Rogue


So now it is time....VOTE Y'ALL VOTE!

How cool is this idea? About as cool as Miller listening to The Ramones! [Hella cool!] As cool as Jay the dying liquor store owner. As cool as Family Guy. [nuff said] Only as cool as Growing Pains!   View Results Create your own poll!