For I Am Not My Own

I was not in a good mood yesterday, and was busy writing about all the things that annoyed me. I must say, pride got the best of me last night. Sometime yesterday evening, I inscribed a whole lot of things on this blog that really have no business being there. As Mysetery Man later put it, upon recognizing that Rogue had advised me to "edit" my post, I wouldn't have very many friends left at home if I said things like that often [aka more than once] and that a good rule of thumb, is not to post when you're "sick". When I'm sick huh...

I edited my blog. Now, well now I would erase every word, but then how would I be learning my lesson? Let me explain.

Today was a rough day for me. I went to all of my classes in the morning, but my eye was hurting something awful. I thought, gee, pink eye hurts this much huh? I don't remember being this upset when I was eight and had pink eye...Oh well. And as it turns out, the reason I don't remember pink eye hurting this much when I was little is because pink eye DOESN'T hurt this much. See funny thing is, the opthamologist on Sunset Boulevard I saw today says what's funny is I don't have pink eye; I have a corneal ulcer. Darn it. I'll let you all google it if you must; but let's just say it's really painful and my vision is blurred now, and may be for a while. The medication is painful too...'nuff said.

I was still a little mad you know? I thought - CLEARLY this is not acceptable. How can I do my memo this way? I'm so mad. I came home, tried my medication, and MAN did it burn my eye! I still can barely see [six doeses later, at least] and the burning is still there. But I realized something reading my post from yesterday; my eye being hurt is not the sickness I need to watch out for.

Here's the thing: I am not a victim. The world is not out to get me: life is hard, period. Frankly, the fact that I cannot do my memo the way I would like to really shouldn't matter to me. Completely healthy or sick as a dog, I'm not the force behind my memo. God is. The way I see it; I'm not my own person. I'm a tool for God; I'm a kingdom servant about kingdom business. There is no other explanation for why I ended up here of all places than that God pretty much moved me to be here. I'm here to equip myself to do HIs bidding - specifically, to spread His justice. That having been said, I cannot boast in ANYTHING I've done. How smart I may be, my grades, my midterms, none of that stuff was me. That's God. Sure I work hard and study and avoid things that would prevent me from doing my best, but what I started with was all Him. I'll tell you what else is Him. He's the motivation behind doing that extra page and a half to be FULLY prepared. He has given me so much, how could I say I was too lazy to read just a few more pages? He's in the raw energy I get from nowhere. He's in the memorization of much more material than I could ever know alone. Mostly, he's in the voices I hear...the ones I often blog about: he's in their faces...the faces of starving and oppressed children waiting for an advocate. How could I ever look such a one as this in the face and say I cannot meet the demands of their legal needs because in law school I was busy goofing off? Or, better yet, I was busy being sick?

Maybe this isn't what Mystery Man meant [but I wouldn't put it past him to "mean" something more than what he "meant" ][for more on this, see The Phantom Tollbooth by Norman Juster], but I'll tell you that what he said now means to me I shouldn't post when I'm sin-sick. Somehow, I lost sight of the fact that I don't write my memos all by myself. Everything I do is by the Grace of God, and Lord willing that'll be with me all of my days.

This is almost an even BETTER chance to lean on God. We all jump for the moon - and even if some jump 8 feet and some jump 20, we all miss. But in real life sometimes it's easier to see God making up the difference when the differential is HUGE beyond all reason. I need to realize that just because I may be "bright" doesn't mean He's not there pickin' up the slack for me too: when I lean on Him.

So sure, my eye hurts REALLY badly. So sure, I can't see so well right now and sure the blurry vision is giving me a headache. But I'll tell you something; whether or not I can see doesn't change who's in my corner. I'll tell you something else I know with COMPLETE certainty: that today little kids suffered. Some of them starved, some of them were shot, some of them raped, some kidnapped, abused, and tortured. Some were forced to fight in an army they are terrified of, and some were slaughtered for the small diamond in the cross I wear under my clothes. And many many more will suffer every day. This IS even MORE certain than death and taxes because it is evil and hidden. It will not cease untill good people of faith stand up and say: "Hey, you over there! Yah you! WE CAN SEE YOU...and, what's more, WE CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND WE WILL NOT ALLOW THAT TO CONTINUE." Gary Haugen, IJM Founder once said: "The greatest enemy in our struggle to stop oppression and injustice is always the insidious etiquette of silence." I will not allow my eye to silence me. My grades matter because everything I do, I do for Him as part of the race set out before me. "Sorry Ugandan child soldier, lost and alone, I didn't get the job experience I needed because I didn't do my memo because my eye hurt. So now, now I am not in the position to help you. Sorry. Now look here son, I realize you were kidnapped and raped, had your leg cut off and tortured untill you fought in the army that eventually distroyed your own village. But YOU have to understand, I couldn't write with my eye like that!" NEWSFLASH...I can't do it ANYWAY. I could NEVER write my memo alone...cause alone I'd be exhausted and confused. In perspective nothing that happens to me matters. I won't let it stop me.


For I am not my own.


I hear you, and I'm coming.


For I am not my own.

Take My LIfe
ZOE Worship
Deep Calls To Deep

Lord take my life, make it your own.
Lord live through me for I am not my own.
Bought with a price, the blood of your son;
Nothing I've earned, but by your grace I come.

Lord take my heart, make it your throne.
Lord reign in me for I am not my own.
Lord reign in me, for I am not my own.