Practical Applications

Perhaps the most disturbing thing about having morals is the realization that they impact real people.

A few weeks ago, I got an email from the Dean's office which talked about the fact that because I was a "student of color" they would love to have my opinion on Pepperdine Law School. I was immediately put-off, and all my sensiblilities about race/ethnic relations were offended. I had a series of discussions with my father, and even posted on this blog about how I felt [I think...although that may not be true.]

Here's one of the e-mails I sent to my father about it.


From: Elizabeth.Alvarez@pepperdine.edu
Subject: Re: I'm so Upset
Date: September 30, 2005 10:41:24 AM PDT
To: abela@hiline.net

You are right dad, I never did live as you did. But I do know so many stories from both you and other members of the family. I understand the need to have the points of view from others. But I do have a question: doesn't it strike you as odd that there are many anglos who were abused and mistreated because of their socio-economic status, but Liberation Theology overlooks them?

I suppose it doesn't really offend me but rather creates a sort of Cognitive Dissonance within me because I just don't know what to say. Truth to be told, I have had MANY experiences that have had a substantial effect on me. There have been multiple occasions when my ethnicity has caused people to discriminate against me. Of course they are not of the same magnitude as the experiences you have had, but I still hesitate to respond to this email

My feelin in its most base form is "Does it matter?" I mean, as long as a I do my work, I've done all I could ever be expected to do I suppose. And I guess I sort of feel threatened by the common assumption that no matter what I do, no matter how intelligent I am, there could always be something to hold me back: society. And this is something that I have little or no control over. It just sort of upsets me u know?

Perhaps I should send them an email saying I couldn't really help them? Or maybe I should send an email to Kenneth Star or Dean Gash or Dean Saxer? I could explain to them why I'm not sure I could help them. On the the reverse side, I think that my socially conservative upbringing would be interesting to them: it might be interesting for them to know that just because I'm a first generation american on your side doesn't mean I think a certain way. It perpetuates in my mind the secret fear I have: that I really AM different, and could never be the same.


But now, now I have an even LARGER sense of cognitive dissonance. Last night while Adam and I were talking as we were cleaning up after supper, I learned that besides just being hispanic, he is the first person in his family to go to College. He has six brothers and sisters, and his mom is pregnant right now. So, soon there will be eight of them and he is the driving force behind getting his family educated. His parents worked hard to give him things but since he transfered here, they don't [can't] help him.

He says he studies so much because for him, "This is do or die. I don't have anywhere else to go. I am so thankful for the money I get because I'm hispanic, because I need it." The words I heard implied there were "Because of my family..."

Who feels like a jerk now?

Maybe I didn't live as my father did but reality shows me that plently Hispanics do. Perhaps they didn't cross the border themselves or live in abject poverty, but they face the hispanic adage: Why are you going to school? Stay here, do what we do, and be happy. Perhaps I don't mind as much as I thought I did...I need real faces of real people for more of my moral conundrums.

I realize now, that my earlier "conviction" on this issue has nothing to do with real conviction - it has to do with pride. I am so determined to make sure that everyone knows that I can do it myself. That is why these things offend me; not because it errodes the moral fiber of America, but because it errodes my pride. If I really wanted to give this over to God, then I would quit caring about what people thought of me. Fundamentally - what does it matter if I go through my whole life having people think less of me because they have this pre-conditioned notion that I had some kind of extra help. Who cares???? If that's what it costs me - a little bit of pride, to bring up an entire ethnic group out of the projects...that's a small price to pay. I need to quit thinking that everything I do I do for myself. My intelligence is God given, as is everything else. Yes I have to work at it to use it, but I shouldn't boast in anything but in Christ.

Growing daily though His grace.