Sometimes I Don't Know Why I Even Bother

I sit here in my room and ask myself: "what the heck is my problem?" I had a fight with someone - a friend - tonight, which eneded in my storming away from his car and up the stairs to my apartment complex. I could hear the "Ugh..." coming from behind is rolled up window as I stomped up the stairs I was angy but instantly sorry as well.

I have a guilt complex. Growing up, I was told so many times by a few certain people how rude I was or how mean I was or how [insert negative description here] I was, I started apologizing all the time for things. One my now good friends - ex boyfriend - tells me that I have a tendency to be a doormat. I try so hard to overcompensate for those times growing up that still linger with me that I am overly patient and kind with people when I shouldn't be. I can hear the voices in my head: "you are a hateful and ungrateful child". I don't think that those words have had an impact on my career choice - that is entirely seperate and I have thoughtly concluded that. But, I do think it effects many of my interactions with people.

Whenever I have a disagreement with someone, I feel incredibly guilty. I'm always afraid that the whole thing is my fault, or that I have no reason to be angry. And even when I clearly have a reason to be angry, I cannot be. I couldn't bear, I don't think, for a friend to think badly of me...so I rush to say I'm sorry. When that person doesn't answer their phone I, unlike a normal person, will call 5 or 6 times and finally leave a voicemail only to be worried all evening about how angry they may be with me.

The only thing I think I did badly tonight was stomp off like a four year old, and say "If you don't want to watch the movie just don't come!" Bascially, I have revoked an invitaiton to a friend that would normally be free-standing. A disagreement arising from some comments they made in the presence of our other friends about how they didn't want to watch the Human Trafficking show which premiers this Monday with a couple of others at my house ends with me saying "Fine, you think oppression is funny and you don't want to watch it, don't come." To which my friend replied "But I do want to see it." To which I reply "No you don't, so don't come." Not cool.

But should it really end there? Should my attempts to apologize for being out of line erase the fundamental source of the argument: PROSTITUTION AND OPRESSION ARE NOT FUNNY. They simply are not. And making jokes about it, the show, or me in relation to wanting to see it is not acceptable. I have to find the balance between not being rude to my friends and making sure that apologizing for my behavior DOESN'T change the way I feel about what transpired.

I'm so exhausted. After my afternoon classes were over today, I took a "nap" and didn't wake up until 7:20. It took me a few minutes of wandering around my apartment and for my roomate to mention something to me for me to realize I was late for work. I didn't get dinner so I ordered pizza when I got home. At around 10:30 I called it in. We waited until - well untill now - to realize that it wasn't coming. I'm tired. Jerks. I would've gone to sleep like HOURS ago if I knew it wasn't coming. I guess of course, that's assuming I could sleep...darn guilt complex. But, this blog is the only outlet I need for that...other than prayer. It's almost like I write these entries to God. I know He "reads" them u know? So I think of it as prayer journal...but it's REAL. As real as the Psalms...

I think I could never be a philosopher. I spend way too much time on introspection I think. What would I do if given the opportunity to do it all day long every day? I would most certainly go mad. And to whom would I apologize for that?

Goodnight Lord and thank you for your love and grace. Thank you.